The Undefined and Socially Awkward
by GrangerAndRiddle
Summary: You see I loved him, I loved him so dearly that it hurts. I can't help but feel the sting, the pain of rejection fresh on the surface. Oh, and I've done so many stupid things just to feel alive like I did when he was here with me. My scars are proof enough of that, and yes that was my dull attempt at humor. His names Arthur Kirkland, and he's my brothers fiance.
1. Chapter 1

Book: The Undefined and Socially Awkward.

Chapter 1

What an enigma stories are, through my life I have never come across something quite as curious. What is in a story that makes them so appealing? The ability to leave your world for a while? The way you're able to express yourself? They always have different sides, some are exaggerated, some stories not as cherished as they should be, and then perhaps the most puzzling the untold stories. I suppose that's what I'm doing now, telling an untold story. I don't look upon it as that though, but as a very fond, bittersweet memory.

Perhaps my story was better left untold, then you'd never know the sorrow I have. Never know the joy I've felt. I don't reminise about it that way, however. I hardly think upon it now, what's in our nature that won't let us think about things that cause pain? I suppose we need to repress memories that cause us pain, as an outlet. But at what cost? For I would rather remember with the pain than forget and make the same mistake.

You see I loved him, I loved him so dearly that it hurts. I can't help but feel the sting, the pain of rejection fresh on the surface. Oh, and I've done so many stupid things just to feel alive like I did when he was here with me. My scars are proof enough of that, and yes that was my dull attempt at humor. Insert your laugh here, or not it doesn't really matter to me. I'm far past the point of caring. How sad is that? I don't even care anymore, and I'm still on this planet. Not by my choice of course, I've tried to end my life several times by now.

Every time I try to, however, my annoyingly loving brother Alfred shows up. He claims to be the hero everytime, and I try to hate him for it but, I can't. He's the only person that has cared since the incident, which will make me love him always. Really, if it wasn't for him...he's the only thing that keeps me grounded.

One of the worst parts of this whole thing is that I know my life is not that bad, and people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that no matter what I do I'm not happy. I know what you're thinking boo hoo the poor soul is unhappy big deal when there are people dying everyday. You'd be right, and I feel guilt for it at all times. No matter what I do though, I feel worthless. A desperate sort of worthless where you hear the echoes of the insults everyday in your mind. I'd like to say they go away but they never really do, not without him.

Ah there he is again, and how it kills me to even think about him. That's what I'm doing though, this story is all about my life with him. I'm going to explain now I guess, and I'll admit I'm going to sound pretty pathetic. But it doesn't matter, like I said I no longer care. Besides after I finish writing this I'll be gone by then anyways.

There's the plot twist! That was another one of my "hilarious" jokes there. You see by the time you've started reading this I'm already gone. Kind of morbid I know, you see I'm going for this new dramatic thing. You see I've never been one for dramatics, so maybe now I'll be noticed. Probably not, but then again I'm used to that. So how do I go about writing this? I guess I'll just start relaying the information how it comes.

Oh I have an idea why don't I go from the beginning? All the memories, yes that's a perfect idea. It will give you a real chance to see how foolish I was, and how all my pain was my fault. The worst part is, I still see the main subject of this "tragedy" everyday. His names Arthur Kirkland, and he's my brothers fiance.

The first day I met him, I was only fifteen years old. Soft-spoken and shy, I was quite the opposite of my brother Alfred who was known for being loud, outgoing, and obnoxious. My brother and I are twins, him being the older of us. We had both started going to a new school, a boarding school to be exact.

The school is called Bradford, and is known for being very prestigious I had always loved school, definitley not for the social aspect though. Not that I hated large numbers of people, I wasn't anti-social, just what you'd call socially awkward. My brother made it worse, with everyone looking up to and admiring him they expected me to be the same.

Actually, I might have had a chance to fit in if it wasn't for my brother. Not that I blame him, of course, as I said I love him. It's just I was always thought of as his younger, freak brother. Instead of people getting to know me they just assumed I'd be like him, and when I didn't live up to expectations I was branded a weirdo and outcast.

When you basically have no social life, you get used to basically having the same schedule. That's a reason I excelled at school. With nothing to keep me distracted, besides occasionally my brother, I was able to study for hours on end. That's why I was pleasently suprised when all of a sudden my daily life became different. I guess I have him to thank for that.

I didn't have many friends at the time, only the few guys on my hockey team that remembered me when practice was over. Really, I was the captain you think they'd recognize me. Anyways my little group of friends consisted of only about 4 people. A tall Russian boy, who was generally creepy named Ivan, an albino German boy named Gilbert, the handsome blonde french pervert Francis, and the tan adorable spanish boy Antonio.

They were friends, yes. But I didn't generally get to see them outside of hockey season, only very rarley. Which left me feeling rather lonley. Not that they weren't good friends, that were it's just that Ivan is always busy trying to fend off his stalkerish younger sister, Nataliya, who is basically in love with him, and Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio kind of stick together only to themselves in school. They're known as the "bad touch trio" generally because they like to hit on anything that has a pulse. Well except for Antonio, ever since he started dating Lovino Vargas (An Italian boy in my year) he had to tone down his flirtatious attitude.

Gilbert, who has a younger brother Ludwig, resents that his friend dates Lovino. He claims it's because it brings down the vibe of the group, but we all secretly know it's because he's jealous that his brother, Ludwig, gives all his attention and time to Lovino's younger brother Feliciano, who happens to be Ludwig's boyfriend.

So bascially I'm usually left alone. By the way I'm Matthew Williams, a socially awkward Canadian boy barely hanging on the food chain of highschoool. The academy I go to is an all boys one, so being gay isn't really abnormal otherwise I'd be mocked for that too.

Anyways, back to the first time I met Arthur Kirkland. Arthur was two years my senior, and kind of an outcast like me. Not because he was awkard like me or anything like that, it's just Arthur could sometimes be too blunt for his own good. I had been working on a report in the library when I realized I was going to be out after curfew.

Hurrying into the hallway, I started a sort of awkward walk run, to try to get to my room in time. As I was rounding the corner though, my two feet fell out from under me sending me plummeting to the ground. Looking up I saw the Cuban boy that often mistook me for my brother laughing. He kicked my books and papers around the hallway as he was walking away, saying something under his breath.

I slowly pulled myself off the ground, misery taking over me for once again being mistook as my brother. As I stood and started to brush myself off, his smooth voice broke out "I believe this stuff is yours, chap." Smirking he slid my books and papers into my arms. Smiling I quietly thanked him.

He kept standing there staring at me, as I awkwardly shuffled around on my feet fidgeting under his gaze. Finally he said "Funny, it's taken me this long to work up enough courage to talk to you and I now can't think of anything to say..." he started rubbing the back of his neck and smiling sheepishly.

My heart at first leapt, somebody actually wanted to talk to me. Then after a moment realization suddenly sunk in, he thought I was my brother. I could feel myself deflated mentally and stuttered out a "You do know I'm not Alfred right?" Amusement overtook the Englishmans face, and he put on a charming grin.

"How could I mistake you for that git? I mean sure you're twins but where you're a gentleman, he's brash and outlandish. I mean can you imagine him going a day without eating his greasy Mcdonald's?" he said while laughing, which caused me to laugh too. Eventually we were both in hysterics, with tears in our eyes.

I still to this day don't know why we found that so hilarious, but it made me feel the best I had in a while. If only your opinion of my brother had stayed the same, then maybe I could of kept you to myself. Nothing lasts forever I suppose, and all happiness comes at a cost.

After we calmed down from our episode of hysterics, you walked me to my room and like the gentleman you are kissed my hand before dispersing with a small goodbye. At first I thought it was silly, I ceartainly wasn't a girl. The more I thought about it the more endearing I found it. Everyday I rejoice and despair that this encounter ever took place.


	2. Chapter 2

The Undefined and Socially Awkward.

Chapter 2

From that day on, _he _and I continued to meet. I didn't understand at the time, you see Arthur was an outcast yes. Like me he wasn't generally around people, however, unlike me as I said before it was by choice. Arthur was blunt, but he still had friends who respected him for his honesty. He was even sort of friends with Francis, they fought a lot though, at the time we all blamed it on sexual tension.

That's another reason I was suprised, Arthur wasn't exactly hurting in the romance area. He'd dated several people before, even had some long term relationships, they just never ended well. I hadn't dated before, not only because I was an outcast, but because I also had an over protective brother. At one point in time I'm pretty sure Gilbert had liked me, he even took to making up a nickname for me "birdie".

This, however did not last long. Once Al realized what was going on, it was like a world war had started. Let's just say after it was over the trio, and Alfred had landed them a months worth of detention. So basically word got out my brother was one of "_those"_ brothers and I was shunned even more than I already was.

God, sometimes it's really hard not to hate my brother. A lot of people question why I don't and perhaps I should explain that, but all in good time. Al was there for me when nobody else was, and so I could never hurt him. Not even in the way I'm dying to do, if I told him the story I'm telling you, it'd ruin his life. So let me begin retelling again so you can understand where I'm coming from.

Arthur and I at first just had a school friend-type of deal. We'd meet for lunch every once in awhile, at least twice a week. On good days, or days we had a lot of homework, Arthur would drag me to the library with him to study.

Usually I would finish my work before the Brit, he generally liked to proof read his work over a million times. At this point I'd wander around the library in search of good books. He always enjoyed seeing what my book selection was, he never commented on it at first though. Just watched me, with his smirk.

It wasn't until I pulled out the book, "_A Midsummer Night's Dream" _, which is a play by the famous English writer, William Shakespeare. It portrays the events surrounding the marriage of Thesus, and Hippolyta. Basically it's the adventure of four young athenian lovers, who are controlled and manipulated by the fairies who inhabit the forest.

Arthur had a gleam in his eyes, and stated "Shakespeare is a marvolous writer. My favorite to be exact, he has all the good qualities writers should have. Not only is he English, which is a wonderful perk, but he talks about real matters like the fairies. Lovely creatures, fairies are."

I looked at Arthur perplexed, certainley he didn't believe in fairies, but just let me tell you. I was NOT about to judge the first person willing to be my friend. So I gave him a small smile, trying to look up at him from my eyelashes because my hair was falling loosley around my shoulder that night.

I didn't see Arthur move, it wasn't until I felt warm breathing across my cheeks I tilted my head slightly to the side to see him. He gently guided his fingers under my chin, and coaxed me to look up at him.

"Shakespeare was known for writing about star-crossed lovers too, lovers by fate if you will. Saying they were meant to meet each other. Ironically, I can't help but think you "accidently" dropping your books the other night was a coincidence."

With that, Arthur closed the gap between our mouths, and gently kissed me upon my lips. To me this was odd, from what I've heard, Arthur is not one to be affectionate. Not even with his partners, so him kissing me of his own will threw me slightly off.

Pity I hadn't seen the signs back then, it's actually ironically hilarious if you think about it. But oh shush, don't let me spoil the ending for you. Let me go on with my pathetic tale, where you can hear of how poor, freak Matthew made a fool of himself.

That was all Arthur did that night, one kiss. After that he packed up his books, smiled at me slightly and walked out the door. After he had gone I touched my lips unbelievingly, I had just had my first kiss. From Arthur Kirkland of all people.

The next day, he didn't say anything about it. Just went along like nothing had changed between us, he didn't even comment on my scarlet blush. Which I was thankful for, because when you have as pale of skin as me, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

We had met that morning for breakfast, because it was the start of second sememester. After we ate, we quickly headed towards the headmasters office to pick up our new schedules. I had signed up for critical theory this course, my parents always said I would be good at a department such as that.

While I was usually quiet, if you put me in a debate that would quickly change. Normally passive agressive, I become quite loud and angry during debates. I will fight for the side I'm on whole heartedly and I always rest my case.

I thought I'd do quite well in this course, and I was at first, happy to see Arthur was going to be taking it with me. As the day dragged on I was looking forward to that class more and more.

When it finally arrived I was very thankful. Arthur and I pulled up seats to each other, and waited patiently for class to start. As usual him and I showed up early, like we do to all the lessons we have together.

We made polite chit-chat while others filed into the room, and the teacher walked in. She was a wise women, who always had that twinkle in her eye that she knew something you didn't. As obnoxious as that was, you couldn't help but like her. She made the room seem lively, and she always challenged her students. Her name was Elizaveta, and she had all her students call her that.

Elizaveta gave us all the assignment to think of the revolutionary war, and at the end of the week have a side and debates picked. It was obvious which side Arthur would be on, so I chose the side of the English. Arthur was known for being stubborn, and I do not want to be against him in this debate.

Picking up our stuff the bell signaled the end of this class, and thus our last class of the day. Arthur walked me to my dorm room, and I invited him in. I went to put my stuff away, and asked Arthur if he wanted anything to drink.

Nodding in confirmation, he followed me into my kitchenette. Seeing I had a tea pot, Arthur offered to make tea. I allowed him to because Arthurs a little picky when it comes to how his tea is prepared, and honestly he makes it way better than I can. It must be an English thing.

Funny thing, my grandmother always said if you can make a good cup of tea, you can do anything. Arthur likes this saying, he says it makes him feel unstoppable. I joke with him and tell him not to take it too literally and mistake it for thinking he can cook.

To that a get a scowl and Arthur swats and me with the tea bag he was holding. I laugh, and he gives me a sweet, genuine smile.

Arthur calls that the tea is ready, and I get out the china. After we're both settled at my little table by the window drinking our tea contently, Arthur pipes up. "So you are, of course, planning to be on the redcoats side of the debate, yes?" he said fixing me with a stern look, but I can see his hidden quirk of the lips upwards.

"Why of course, you Brits need someone to defend you. You lot can't be very sane with all your fairy and magical creature talk" I tease. To this Arthur scoffs and preceeds to go on a rant about how "Harry Potter" is a top selling book, and that English people are just fine, thank you very much.

After his rant we both burst out laughing in hysterics, like the first time we met. Both of us breathless, and cheeks flushed Arthur turns to look at me. His eyes are a deep green, almost Emerald. They're beautiful and in that moment I realize something crucial, I am falling for Arthur Kirkland. My Best and only friend.

His lips swoop down again and capture mine in a kiss, this ones different than the other. More heated, and passionate. Like he's trying to pull something from me, but he doesn't know what and he just can't reach it.

Panting I pull away, my head dizzy from lack of oxygen. He grins at me, a true full teeth smile. He doesn't leave like last time, this time he spends the night at my house. We sit by the fireplace in my house. On the ground reading books contently on a pile of blankets and pillows. It's silent but the nice, captivating kind of silence.

That night we fall asleep out there, unconciously in the middle of the night, pulling each other closer in our sleep. When I wake up he's gone, but I know he couldn't of been gone long, because on my counter there is a still steaming cup of tea and a box of scones. I reach in to take a scone and a note comes out with it.

"Sorry I had to leave without telling you good morning luv. Had a class that I sadly must attend, I made you tea and boguht scones from a bakery. Didn't think youd take kindly to a burned down house when you wake up, so I decided making breakfast was a definite no. Talk to you soon c: -Arthur"

I smiled softly at the note and knew then and there that I had positivley falled for my best friend, and that maybe this would all work out just right and I'd finally be happy. How wrong I was, if only I'd known.


	3. Chapter 3

The Undefined and Socially Awkward.

Chapter 2

Many people go off the saying things get worse before they get better, but it was the opposite in my case. Everything was perfect before it came crashing around me like the nightmare it was. Arthur and I started dating and it was a sweet, pure romance. He was there to let me know I wasn't ever going to be forgotten in the shadows, and I was there to keep him from food poisoning.

We didn't go public with our relationship of course, because as I said, I have one of _those_ brothers. Alfred would've put Arthur on trial, asking him all sorts of outlandish, ridiculous questions claiming he was the hero. Let's not talk about Arthur and Alfred together though...

Anyways, we decided we needed to take precaution when it came to where we met, and were affectionate. At this point I still hadn't realized anything you see, I was head over heels like some lovestruck girl, and I honestly didn't think Arthur was capable of doing anything intentionally cruel. He was the perfect gentleman to me in fact, always there when I needed him.

Arthur had a sad life story, which made me fall for him all the more. He had four other brothers, whom all blamed him for their parents divorce. Apparently from what Arthur had gathered, they had fought everyday before Arthur was born, and having another kid tipped it over the scale. His dad left, and his mom fell into a depression. Arthur loved his mother dearly though, because she worked through her depression and made a better life for her kids, saving money to send Arthur to this school. Shortly after he received word his mother had passed away...

_"You know I never even got to say goodbye, or how thankful I was..." looking wistfully out the window of his apartment, Arthur murmured. Matthew curled his arms around Arthur, in a comforting grasp, nuzzling his neck softly. "I'm sorry Arthur...I bet she was a wonderful woman, I bet that's where you got it from" Matthew stated kissing the tip of his nose._

_Smiling Arthur tackled Matthew back on the couch showering his face in little kisses. Then he held Matthew close to him in a tight embrace, whispering seductively in his ear "Say you'll go steady with me, or..." he started tickling Matthew, which he knew was a weakness of his, "I won't let you go." Matthews face started to take on a pinkish color, from his laughing._

_"Like you even had to ask" he huffed out through his still labored breathing. Matthew found Arthur's old terms like "going steady" to be really endearing. This time Arthur interlocked Matthews lips in a passionate kiss. Matthew squeaked and Arthur slid his tongue inside, using it to his advantage. Matthew squirmed his body suddenly becoming very hot._

_"Careful luv, if you keep up that squirming I'll have to cut this short..." Arthur said through clenched teeth making an exaggerated look at Matthews shower. Matthew moaned softly when he felt Arthur start to undo the buttons on his shirt, and slide his hands underneath. He threw off Matthews shirt, before peppering the skin underneath in fevered kisses. Matthew moaned loudly, and kissed Arthur again._

_Matthew began to unbutton Arthur's shirt, and soon had it off also. Both panting they looked into each others eyes, both realizing they needed to slow down. Engaging in a softer lip lock this time, they both started to kiss tenderly, Matthew quickly giving up dominance to Arthur. _

_ This continued until Matthew grew tired, and Arthur petting his hair softly mentioned he'd rather Matthew didn't go. So sitting curled together on the couch like that Matthew leaned his head on Arthur's chest and fell into a peaceful slumber, breathing in sync with Arthur's delicate heartbeat._

So sweet right? Wrong. At first that's what I thought, we had the perfect relationship. There was no fighting, and he was such a gentleman. I should've seen the signs but no we're getting closer let's keep going!

Like I said after Arthur asked me out, we needed places to start meeting. I don't know if it is by coincidence but one day I got lost on my way back from a class across campus. It had started to rain, and I saw this peaceful looking café on the corner. Heading inside, I went to the counter. I bought myself a maple muffin, and hot chocolate. Which I can't eat anymore, sadly...

Turning the corner of the café I went into the connecting back room, where I happened to see my boyfriend. Smiling I went to join him, when I saw him speaking in rushed voices with Francis. It ended with Arthur slamming his hand on the table, and Francis sneering at him. Looking up Francis eyes met mine, and he visibly paled. Quickly he went out the back door of the café, and Arthur looked up and saw me.

At first I thought I saw a guilty, panicked look on his face. Soon it was replaced by a warm smile though, and I thought I had imagined it. I smiled sheepishly back, and quickly walked over to him. Sitting down, he pecked me on the cheek quickly, and then we started talking. It turns out Arthur comes here almost everyday after his classes in the building across the street, smiling as I quite liked the atmosphere here I suggested that we meet here.

Arthur visibly flushed, but nodded with a smile all the same. I thought something was wrong, but didn't question it, if Arthur wanted to tell me he would. Back then I was not the prying type and now I wish I would've been...it would've saved me...if only I'd known.

So we started to meet there, everyday. Everything was seemingly normal, Arthur and I would go to classes and one of us would wonder into the small establishment and head into the back, then the other one would come in and order for us both and meet in the back. We alternated and things were going smoothly. Outside this café, it was like we were strangers, but as soon as we stepped inside everything made sense.

Usually after, I would either go to his dorm or he would come to mine depending on the weather. If it was raining or something else that wasn't pleasant to be in too long, we would go to Arthur's, seeing how it was closer.

On nicer days, we would journey the walk to mine. Usually either way we would stay at each others, because at this point we had dated for awhile now. Nothing ever went past the point it did the night he asked me out though, and for that I was grateful. I didn't think I was ready for the next step yet, so I was content with the wait.

I also, still remember the first fight Arthur and I had. I was so scared he was going to break up with me after it...now I wish he had. It would've of still, saved me so much pain.

The fight started out, actually, how our normal schedule went. I had just finished classes and was walking towards the café, when Francis bumped into me. I stumbled over but he caught me, flashing me his perfect smile. "Ah, sorry mon petit, I wasn't looking where I was going."

He put me on my feet again, and then he got a sad look on his face. "You're going to meet Arthur, aren't you?" when I nodded the look got more pained but he quickly replaced it with his charming smile again. "Let me walk with you then! I happen to be headed to the same place."

Looking at him perplexed, as Francis usually never even adressed me I smiled slightly and nodded again, "Oui" I simply stated. This made Francis perk up considerably though "You know French?"

Smiling sheepishly I told him about how I was from Canada and had picked up on it as a small child. He seemed content with the answer, and the rest of the walk continued in a comftorable silence. Forgetting that I wasn't supposed to be buying today I casually followed Francis ordering my usual, as Francis started to small talk to me again. I ended up following him and we sat in the other room talking.

It had been a couple hours, when I looked up at the clock startled. It was already 4:00, and I realized Arthur still wasn't here. Looking around confused, I caught Francis looking guilty. It was a weird coincidence now that I thought about it, Francis just happened to bump into me, and be heading to this particular shop, on the day Arthur wasn't here.

Francis just shook his head sadly and whispered "His class just probably ran late, don't worry yourself about it cher." standing up he slid his jacket on and gave me a wistful look "you know, when and if you realize you deserve more..." he layed his number down on the table and left.

I stared at the note on the table, all through the night, waiting for Arthur at that table. I stared there until I couldn't make out the writing through the tears in my eyes. I didn't stop crying til' I felt someone tap my shoulder gently. Brightening up instantly, I prepared myself to see Arthur, instead I saw the shopkeeper looking at me with pity in her eyes, and telling me the shop would be closing now.

Nodding I gathered up my stuff, putting Francis number in my pocket. I started to walk the streets heading back to my dorm, when a few guys passed me. Their eyes lingered on me longer than they should've and I started to walk quickly in the other direction but it was no use.

"Hey pretty, where are you going?" someone grabbed my arm and pressed me up against an alley wall. The other two stood there blocking the passageway so nobody could see what was going on. I screamed, I screamed as loud as I could. At the time I thought, it was okay, Arthur has to be around here by now anyways, his class will be letting out he'll hear me.

The screams earned me a knee to the stomach, and I doubled over in pain. The guy kicked me hard, in the face. My lip started to bleed and I couldn't open my eye. The next part, I blocked out for well known reasons, and I don't plan on ever revisiting it. I was stripped, and the guy took me hard and mericlessly, I could feel the blood flowing down my thighs. I could feel it, but my mind had closed off that part of my body from me. I was somewhere else, and in this other world I was wondering where Arthur was, and knowing it was only going to be a moment before he came in a saved me.

Obviously I was wrong, and before I knew it the guys laughter and grunts of pleasure weren't anywhere to be heard anymore. I finally regained my sense of mind, and realized what happened. Shivering and crying silently, I pulled up my tattered and torn pants. Curling up in the alleyway where I had just lost my virginity. I don't remember how long I was there, but finally I pulled myself up.

The pain was unbearable and I toppled over once or twice before finally starting to limp. I didn't make it very far, but I managed to make it to a pay phone, the guys had broken my cell phone and taken my wallet. Thankfully I didn't have a license or anything in it at the time being only a picture of Arthur and I, and of course all my money. Sliding out the few spare coins I had, I slid them into the machine.

Not knowing who to call, I was at a loss. I didn't want to call Alfred because I wasn't in the mood for his hero rant, I just wanted to sink into my own shell and he wouldn't allow that, not Arthur because if I called him there was a chance he might not answer, because obviously he was still in class. At the time I refused to believe he was anywhere but, and so I slid out the paper and dialed Francis's number.

I'm not sure what made me do it to this day.


End file.
